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четверг, 4 января 2018 г.

i want to embrace you with the whole universe

You’ve revealed to me the ability to love. I didn’t even think that I could love someone so much. But I’ve been loving you from the very beginning. Since you said something, it seems, about the beauty of my eyes. When you went home on a cold September evening in a sleeveless jacket, and I was seriously afraid that you would get cold. When, for the first time, you accidentally passed your left hand over my leg. When I stood with ridiculously messy hair hanging down on my shoulders, and you were speaking about your past - unbearably close and terribly long. I tried to concentrate on words, but couldn’t hear anything but the voice of my own thoughts: «Oh, gosh, kiss me. Now. I want to get even closer». And then I buried my nose in your neck and whispered more to myself than to you: «Do not forget this tomorrow, when you wake up, please». You shook your head and, perhaps, even whispered something in response. I don’t remember - I was busy trying to strain my muscles as hard as possible to stop shaking. It all seems so far away, but still every time I kiss you, it feels like on a sultry summer day I jump from a high cliff into the cold waters of the ocean. You know that I'm afraid to dive. But not in this case. I adore to plunge into your world and wander for hours in this underwater kingdom, trying to remember every little detail of your stories. I love to look into your glowing eyes, when you are enthusiastically telling about something interesting, repeating the same thing several times, choosing synonyms to better express your feelings. Sometimes I even wonder why do you need so many words, I already understand you, my darling. But in fact, I know why. And I feel that you initiate me into the most important secrets, mental mazes, where not everyone is allowed to enter. I feel needed and important. At such moments, I want to record your voice on a tape recorder, and your eyes staring at the horizon - on a videotape. For a long time I couldn’t understand why you almost never look at me when you tell me something. I felt even upset. And now I can confidently ask: «Do not look! Just talk to me! I want to fix my eyes at the flight of your words!» I want to feel you with every cell of my body. I want to let you feel me. I want to listen to your stories. About the breakfast your grandma made you. About you chatting about something with a friend, whose name I immediately forgot. About how you jump from topic to topic. And how you give me advice, detailed plan, when all I want is to lie on your shoulder, whining, listening to your voice, twittering about never matter what, and feeling how your long fingers fingering my freshly washed hair. I want to capture every shade of your mood. And guess when what to keep silent. And to know when I should be silent. Remember that you drink coffee with milk and love raisins. And to anticipate your reaction when I ask you to cook something to eat at 2 am. And to listen you paying compliments to my smile. To correct your German accent. To be unable to hide a smile when you say "I love you" in Russian. Grumble that we are going the wrong way, although I know that you will always bring me to the right place. To watch your favorite movies attentively and try to cram into you a whole 20-year-old world of mine. But most importantly, I want to build my kingdom with you. Our kingdom, with thousands of corridors and labyrinths, with secret rooms of thoughts that are afraid to be spoken out loud, with a warm fireplace and a ocean of ​​light, with gentle touches and a sensual whisper, with perplexities, misunderstandings and compromises, memories and plans. I want to embrace you with the whole universe, so that you will feel how much I love you.


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